I'm the type of person who yells while driving. I'm not yelling to or at other drivers per se (even though I definitely am), but I'm yelling because I'm right. I paid attention in Driver's Ed class, and I'm proud of that, goddamnit.
For example, some lady beeped at me the other day because I was taking too long at the yield sign before entering a rotary...but like, I wasn't sure if the guy in the rotary heading toward me was going to exit or not. And once I saw the nose of his car turn toward the exit, I began to enter — and that's when she beeped! Anyone would tell you that she was being an impatient and rude idiot, and therefore, I yelled, "You better not be [expletive] beeping at me" in the rearview mirror and shook my head hard enough that she could hopefully see it through my back window.
Shopping is no different than driving, in my opinion, except you can't (or shouldn't) yell at people as freely as you can when you're inside your car (windows up). You have lanes to navigate, four-wheeled vehicles to operate, and you have to maneuver from point A to point B without killing anyone. Thrift stores, specifically, always trigger my compulsion to shout while doing all of the above, and I think that's because the thrift attracts a unique crowd. Having been a face in said crowd for a long time, I can say for sure that we're a melting pot of personalities and quirks that don't often mesh together, and that leads to a lot of traffic jams and mild road rage. And the holiday season only makes this worse.
In an effort to make our thrift store aisles safer, my brain worm and I feel it is only necessary to share with you the rules of the thrift store road (according to ME). And if I catch wind of any of you breaking them, I will find you and give you a hefty fine — don't think I won't.
Never ever tailgate.
There was one thrift trip a few years back where an older lady stood behind me and watched me flip through the clothing rack from over my shoulder, assessing each shirt that passed through my hand. After a minute of her breathing on my neck, I turned and gave her a "can I help you?" look, but she refused to acknowledge me. I think she thought I was QVC IRL.
This, thankfully, was a one-off moment. But thrift store tailgating in general is a chronic issue. People will sidle up right beside you so that you're basically handing them the clothing items you're sliding down the rack, bucket brigade-style. And raise your hand if you've been bumped by a cart while standing in the checkout line too many times to count. Mhm, that's what I thought.
It's up to all of us to be spatially aware, remain a cart's distance away from others so not to cause accidents or, worse, be perceived as weird or perverted.
Don't leave a stalled vehicle in the middle of a busy throughway.
Similar to abandoned cars you see on the shoulder of the highway, there always seems to be a rogue shopping cart left for dead in the middle of an aisle during every trip to the thrift. Carts certainly do break down (we’ve all experienced having to push a cart with only one working wheel and pretend everything’s fine), but they’re not two-ton vehicles. They can be maneuvered out of the way with barely any effort. And yet…there they sit…in the way.
It seems as though every time I move one of these dead carts so that I can pass, someone pops out of the abyss and shouts, "THAT'S MINE," and looks at me like I'm some sort of robber baron who must also know the value of that busted lamp they scored. They then spirit the cart away to another aisle, where I inevitably find it abandoned yet again. This isn't La La Land — stop kick-ball-changing down the highway and return to your vehicle!
The solution to this is simple. Let's keep our carts with us or pull them over in areas with lighter traffic. Capiche?
Whoever gets to the aisle first has the right of way.
When you're in the aisle with another person, and you're going through the racks from opposite directions, destined to meet in the middle, I believe that the person who moved into the aisle last must be the one to skip over the first person to continue scanning the rack. It's the "I was here first" mentality. They're tenured. You're the new kid on the block, etc., etc.
This doesn't really apply to driving; this is just something that I think is correct, and this is my blog.
Only merge if and when there's room for you to do so.
One type of person I'm always yelling at from the comfort of my driver's seat is the one who cannot figure out a simple merge. You can't be timid. Keep the car moving, and someone will have to let you in. But you also can't be an asshole. You have to work with, communicate with, and react to others around you.
So when you find yourself wanting to merge into an overcrowded aisle, keep merging on the road in mind. Firstly, ask yourself if you have to be in that aisle right now. Or can you go to the tank tops section and wait for it to clear up? And secondly, take note of the flow and file in behind another person at the racks rather than barging through to the middle (I've seen it happen!).
I know, I know...I'm really good at telling other people what to do. Can you believe I wasn't a hall monitor at school? These rules can and should be applied to any situation where you're pushing a shopping cart, but if you're not employing them at the thrift, then you are my enemy. And I'm warning you — that fine is coming.